Deceiving Your Metabolism

Ever tried to trick your metabolism?

I just heard recently about an “absolute must” for anyone into the latest technological advances in the weight-loss, metabolism boosting, and try-anything world of shedding some pounds.

Are you ready for this?  I really am not.  This one pains me.  Its even hard to type this one out to tell you the truth.  Fine, here we go…

photo credit: Andres Rueda

It turns out there is now some sort of pregnancy hormone shot that you can take that will keep your metabolism through the roof.  What does that mean? 

It means you can go on that wonderful starvation diet that you’ve dreamed of trying.  Seriously, it might work.  Actually, I wouldn’t even be mad, or post your picture on the site if you tried it.  At least you’d be doing something.

Ok, I lied.  Stop being a stupid-donut-eating-french-fried Fat Head! 

Now I’m angry.  I need to go for a walk.  And by the way, you probably need to too.

The Jello Effect

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you ate nothing but jello for a full week?  Don’t worry, I tried it out and the results have been out-of-control amazing!

Let’s start out for just a minute by talking about jello.  What is jello? Is it good for you or bad for you? What about sugar-free jello?

photo credit: net_efekt

As it turns out, jello is almost entirely water. That’s right, so it is actually pretty good for you.  Ok, let’s not go that far.  It is in fact, really good for your waist-line (not so much full of vitamins and minerals).

So for those of you fatheads who are eating Snickers trying to lose weight and just can’t quite figure out what’s gone wrong - don’t be a fathead.

After eating nothing but jello for an entire week I lost 19 pounds.  My calorie intake was reduced to under 900 calories each day.  Yes, I did eat some sugar-free jello, and yes I did want to vomit profusely at the end of the week.  But that really doesn’t matter, now does it.

Because it worked.  I’m skinny now.

Muffins Calories

Ever wandered down the street on your way to nowhere and pondered to yourself, “I think I may just go grab myself a quick muffin?”

What could be a better choice than a nice, fluffy, nutrient filled muffin to help get you through your morning.  Besides, you deserve the credit for warding off the thoughts of pancakes, french toast, sausage, or Burger King breakfast sandwiches.  So get warm inside, give yourself a pat on the back, and let your inner soul lift you inches off the ground.

Wait - what happened?

That’s right, your inner soul isn’t strong enough to get your fathead off the ground with your 500 calorie muffin - is it?

A banana muffin from Starbucks glorifies your soul with 22 grams of fat and 460 calories.  Keep on walking, your going to need the exercise.

Don’t be a fathead.  Make smart choices.  Just because it says “banana” on the package does not mean it’s good for you.

Buger King Fat (head)

Burger King promotes fat foods every day. If you watch one of their commercials and your mouth stats to water there is only one thing to say to you.  Fathead.

Don’t be a stupid fathead.  Burger King has gone against the grain to stand out amongst the fast food giants.  Their marketing and product approach is to give the good, factory working, overweight, obese, 70% of our country exactly what they want: lard.

photo credit: VirtualErn

Have it Your Way

In 2006 McDonald’s released another one of their ‘healthy’ menu options.  That’s right, a new salad.  Now, don’t get me started on salads…that’s a whole entire other subject of fathead talk.  We digress.  Anyway, at that same time of ‘healthy’ releases from the other fast food chains Burger King came out with the new, massive breakfast sandwich.

It’s true that at Burger King you can have it your way.  And if you ate their new sandwich you’d have it with 77 grams of fat.  Cough, chew, choke, swallow, enjoy.  I hope that tasted good, because it just set you back about two weeks of dieting in a measly two minutes of breakfast enjoyment.

Most writers and articles talk about the Whopper versus the Big Mac. It’s true, Burger King has gone above and beyond the rest to expand your waistline, make your temporarily smile, then have to drive back sometime soon for more (because we both know it’s now physically impossible for you to walk anywhere).

Enjoy that new breakfast sandwich!

Get Drunk and Lose Weight at the Same Time

Did you know beer and wine are loaded with calories?  So if you want to go drink yourself into oblivion then you just loaded up on the pounds.

So just like your mom told you, drink responsibly.

photo credit: nyki_m

What Should You Drink

It turns out that most rum has 0 calories.  No kidding.  Bacadi has absolutely no calories, at all.  That means if you order 15 Bacardi and diet Cokes you will get all the alcohol your heart desires so that you successfully dance with random people at the end of the night.

Why It’s Great News

If you went out and got all loaded on Bacardi and diet then danced the night away you just accomplished two (kind of three) goals.

1. You drank 0 calories all night
2. You actually moved around while dancing and burned off calories
3. You probably vomited at the end of the night so you actually lost calories on the night

So go out, have a good time, and drink responsibly…

Copyright ©2008 Lose Weight Stupid

Eat All You Want (of Lettuce)

If you want to eat for hours straight, go buy some carrots.  Also, lettuce isn’t a bad choice either, assuming you don’t use any dressing.

It’s simple, don’t eat too much.

Trust me, this is just the beginning.  There is a lot more coming on this topic…